It has often been said that “It's easier to ask for forgiveness than it is to get permission”. However, a true apology takes much more effort and character than just saying sorry. When we apologize, we imply that we are aware of our mistake and won’t let it happen again. Would this be enough for us to be forgiven? For example, imagine that you are at fault in a car accident. Would apologizing to the other driver and assuring them that it won’t happen again be enough for them let you go? Probably not!
In order to make sure that your apology is sincere and you are truly forgiven, follow the following guideline:
1. Assure the other person that you are aware of your mistake. Whether your mistake was deliberate or not is not important. Your understanding of your mistake is what grants you forgiveness.
2. Your apology has to show the other person that your mistake will never happen again. If you cannot provide such guarantee, assure them that you will do anything in your power to prevent it from happening again.
3. In order to forgive you, the other person needs to be convinced that you will do anything to make up for your mistake. In order to do that, it is best to ask them to suggest what you can do to make it up to them.
4. The last point is the most important one. Three above points won’t grant you forgiveness unless you show your awareness of the pain your have caused. Unless the other person knows that, they are unable to forgive you even if they want to. In order to understand their pain, put yourself in their shoes and tell them how it feels.
Let’s simplify the above with an example: a man promises his wife to go home earlier from work to take her shopping. However, he forgets and keeps his wife waiting. He apologizes to her. However, he won’t be forgiven unless he:
1. shows her that he knows breaking promises is not nice.
2. assures her that he will never breaks his promises to her again.
3. asks her what he can do to make it up to her.
4. puts himself in her shoes and tells her how it feels to be kept waiting.
If your intention of saying sorry is to be truly forgiven, review the above four points to increase your chances.
Shahrzad Shahriari
BSc.Psych., MSW., RSW.
http://www.shahrzadtherapy.com/
shahrzad.therapy@gmail.com
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Sunday, April 1, 2012
My Child Lies
Lying and distorting the truth is one of those behaviours that we learn from others. In other words, lying is not innate, but is learned through modeling. Children learn to lie from their parents and caregivers. Almost every parent would like their children to grow up honest. However, most of these parents are not conducting their lives as honest people. Regardless of how many times we advise our children against lying and dishonesty, they model our behaviours of dis/honesty. If you would like your children to grow up honest people, follow the following suggestions:
1. Never lie to your children
We all have witnessed kids who are crying and screaming in stores asking their parents to get them certain items. Some of these parents decide to tell lie to their children to make them quite. Lies such as “We will get it later, or “We are late and have to go” or “I have forgotten my valet at home.” Be sure that every child is smart enough to know that their parent is making up these lies to avoid getting them the item. This is where they learn that lying is an appropriate behaviour to get them off the hook. When they see their parents lie, they would like to try it too.
2. Never lie in front of your children
We often forget that our children are observing and modeling our behaviours. Even if they appear to be occupied with their toys, be sure that they are monitoring our smallest moves. For example, imagine a parents who calls their workplace and books sick to take care of some other errand. Their kid observes the behaviour and learns that lying about your sickness is appropriate. Don’t be surprised if that child pretends to be sick to skip school the next day!
3. Never ask your children to lie for you
For children, a lie is a lie. They do not understand the difference between white lies and other lies. For example, imagine a parent who asks their children to answer the door and say that no one is home. They do not understand that daddy is having a headache and cannot deal with the vacuum cleaner salesperson. They learn that it is all right to lie and would like to try it too.
4. Never reinforce your children’s lying behaviour
When Children try out new behaviours they look for their parents’ reactions. Depending on how their parents react to them, they decide whether that particular behaviour is appropriate or not. Children say their first lies in front of their parents to see their reactions. It is during these golden moments that you can shape your children’s bahaviours. For example, imagine asking a child where their doll is and they say “Mr. Elephant took it”. While being a very cute answer, it could be the child’s first lie. Do not reinforce it by smiling or laughing or asking them to repeat it in front of others. Tell them that lying is an inappropriate and unacceptable behaviour.
Shahrzad Shahriari
BSc.Psych, MSW, RSW
www.shahrzadtherapy.com
1. Never lie to your children
We all have witnessed kids who are crying and screaming in stores asking their parents to get them certain items. Some of these parents decide to tell lie to their children to make them quite. Lies such as “We will get it later, or “We are late and have to go” or “I have forgotten my valet at home.” Be sure that every child is smart enough to know that their parent is making up these lies to avoid getting them the item. This is where they learn that lying is an appropriate behaviour to get them off the hook. When they see their parents lie, they would like to try it too.
2. Never lie in front of your children
We often forget that our children are observing and modeling our behaviours. Even if they appear to be occupied with their toys, be sure that they are monitoring our smallest moves. For example, imagine a parents who calls their workplace and books sick to take care of some other errand. Their kid observes the behaviour and learns that lying about your sickness is appropriate. Don’t be surprised if that child pretends to be sick to skip school the next day!
3. Never ask your children to lie for you
For children, a lie is a lie. They do not understand the difference between white lies and other lies. For example, imagine a parent who asks their children to answer the door and say that no one is home. They do not understand that daddy is having a headache and cannot deal with the vacuum cleaner salesperson. They learn that it is all right to lie and would like to try it too.
4. Never reinforce your children’s lying behaviour
When Children try out new behaviours they look for their parents’ reactions. Depending on how their parents react to them, they decide whether that particular behaviour is appropriate or not. Children say their first lies in front of their parents to see their reactions. It is during these golden moments that you can shape your children’s bahaviours. For example, imagine asking a child where their doll is and they say “Mr. Elephant took it”. While being a very cute answer, it could be the child’s first lie. Do not reinforce it by smiling or laughing or asking them to repeat it in front of others. Tell them that lying is an inappropriate and unacceptable behaviour.
Shahrzad Shahriari
BSc.Psych, MSW, RSW
www.shahrzadtherapy.com
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