It has often been said that “It's easier to ask for forgiveness than it is to get permission”. However, a true apology takes much more effort and character than just saying sorry. When we apologize, we imply that we are aware of our mistake and won’t let it happen again. Would this be enough for us to be forgiven? For example, imagine that you are at fault in a car accident. Would apologizing to the other driver and assuring them that it won’t happen again be enough for them let you go? Probably not!
In order to make sure that your apology is sincere and you are truly forgiven, follow the following guideline:
1. Assure the other person that you are aware of your mistake. Whether your mistake was deliberate or not is not important. Your understanding of your mistake is what grants you forgiveness.
2. Your apology has to show the other person that your mistake will never happen again. If you cannot provide such guarantee, assure them that you will do anything in your power to prevent it from happening again.
3. In order to forgive you, the other person needs to be convinced that you will do anything to make up for your mistake. In order to do that, it is best to ask them to suggest what you can do to make it up to them.
4. The last point is the most important one. Three above points won’t grant you forgiveness unless you show your awareness of the pain your have caused. Unless the other person knows that, they are unable to forgive you even if they want to. In order to understand their pain, put yourself in their shoes and tell them how it feels.
Let’s simplify the above with an example: a man promises his wife to go home earlier from work to take her shopping. However, he forgets and keeps his wife waiting. He apologizes to her. However, he won’t be forgiven unless he:
1. shows her that he knows breaking promises is not nice.
2. assures her that he will never breaks his promises to her again.
3. asks her what he can do to make it up to her.
4. puts himself in her shoes and tells her how it feels to be kept waiting.
If your intention of saying sorry is to be truly forgiven, review the above four points to increase your chances.
Shahrzad Shahriari
BSc.Psych., MSW., RSW.
http://www.shahrzadtherapy.com/
shahrzad.therapy@gmail.com
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Sunday, April 1, 2012
My Child Lies
Lying and distorting the truth is one of those behaviours that we learn from others. In other words, lying is not innate, but is learned through modeling. Children learn to lie from their parents and caregivers. Almost every parent would like their children to grow up honest. However, most of these parents are not conducting their lives as honest people. Regardless of how many times we advise our children against lying and dishonesty, they model our behaviours of dis/honesty. If you would like your children to grow up honest people, follow the following suggestions:
1. Never lie to your children
We all have witnessed kids who are crying and screaming in stores asking their parents to get them certain items. Some of these parents decide to tell lie to their children to make them quite. Lies such as “We will get it later, or “We are late and have to go” or “I have forgotten my valet at home.” Be sure that every child is smart enough to know that their parent is making up these lies to avoid getting them the item. This is where they learn that lying is an appropriate behaviour to get them off the hook. When they see their parents lie, they would like to try it too.
2. Never lie in front of your children
We often forget that our children are observing and modeling our behaviours. Even if they appear to be occupied with their toys, be sure that they are monitoring our smallest moves. For example, imagine a parents who calls their workplace and books sick to take care of some other errand. Their kid observes the behaviour and learns that lying about your sickness is appropriate. Don’t be surprised if that child pretends to be sick to skip school the next day!
3. Never ask your children to lie for you
For children, a lie is a lie. They do not understand the difference between white lies and other lies. For example, imagine a parent who asks their children to answer the door and say that no one is home. They do not understand that daddy is having a headache and cannot deal with the vacuum cleaner salesperson. They learn that it is all right to lie and would like to try it too.
4. Never reinforce your children’s lying behaviour
When Children try out new behaviours they look for their parents’ reactions. Depending on how their parents react to them, they decide whether that particular behaviour is appropriate or not. Children say their first lies in front of their parents to see their reactions. It is during these golden moments that you can shape your children’s bahaviours. For example, imagine asking a child where their doll is and they say “Mr. Elephant took it”. While being a very cute answer, it could be the child’s first lie. Do not reinforce it by smiling or laughing or asking them to repeat it in front of others. Tell them that lying is an inappropriate and unacceptable behaviour.
Shahrzad Shahriari
BSc.Psych, MSW, RSW
www.shahrzadtherapy.com
1. Never lie to your children
We all have witnessed kids who are crying and screaming in stores asking their parents to get them certain items. Some of these parents decide to tell lie to their children to make them quite. Lies such as “We will get it later, or “We are late and have to go” or “I have forgotten my valet at home.” Be sure that every child is smart enough to know that their parent is making up these lies to avoid getting them the item. This is where they learn that lying is an appropriate behaviour to get them off the hook. When they see their parents lie, they would like to try it too.
2. Never lie in front of your children
We often forget that our children are observing and modeling our behaviours. Even if they appear to be occupied with their toys, be sure that they are monitoring our smallest moves. For example, imagine a parents who calls their workplace and books sick to take care of some other errand. Their kid observes the behaviour and learns that lying about your sickness is appropriate. Don’t be surprised if that child pretends to be sick to skip school the next day!
3. Never ask your children to lie for you
For children, a lie is a lie. They do not understand the difference between white lies and other lies. For example, imagine a parent who asks their children to answer the door and say that no one is home. They do not understand that daddy is having a headache and cannot deal with the vacuum cleaner salesperson. They learn that it is all right to lie and would like to try it too.
4. Never reinforce your children’s lying behaviour
When Children try out new behaviours they look for their parents’ reactions. Depending on how their parents react to them, they decide whether that particular behaviour is appropriate or not. Children say their first lies in front of their parents to see their reactions. It is during these golden moments that you can shape your children’s bahaviours. For example, imagine asking a child where their doll is and they say “Mr. Elephant took it”. While being a very cute answer, it could be the child’s first lie. Do not reinforce it by smiling or laughing or asking them to repeat it in front of others. Tell them that lying is an inappropriate and unacceptable behaviour.
Shahrzad Shahriari
BSc.Psych, MSW, RSW
www.shahrzadtherapy.com
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
What is the purpose of life?
We all ask ourselves this question from time to time. Why am I in this world? Why was I born? What is the purpose of life? As we get older, we ask these questions more often. Furthermore, when we face life obstacles, we question our existence in the world more often. It is absolutely natural and normal to wonder why we were brought into the world. In fact, going through life without ever wondering about one’s existence, could be considered an abnormal adjustment to life. Searching for answers to above questions give people an unbelievable amount of peace and hope. Like everyone else, I too have been searching for my propose of existence in this world. Talking to many people, I have been amazed to find out many similar answers. Amazingly, I also discovered a close correlation between the type of answers people provide to above questions and how they interact with other people.
The first answer to the above question which I repeatedly hear from people is :”My purpose of being in this world is to live a happy life”. On the surface, it appears as a soothing and satisfying answer. One who wishes to live a happy life would definitely be a person whom everyone would like to associate with. They are not sad, frustrated or angry. They do not complain about life and are more likely to be satisfied with the minimum. As convincing as this argument sound, I found the personality of people whose purpose of life is happiness quite the opposite of the above description of their character. These people are extremely egocentric. Other people’s needs and their happiness are of least priority on their list. One distinguishing characteristic of these people is that they would laugh at anything and everything. That includes other people’s misery. They do not wish to hear about other people’s problems since that could sway them away from their purpose of living a happy life.
The second answer that most religious leaders provide to the above question is: We are not in this world to have a peace of mind”. This is a very deep statement which by the way is not a direct answer to our question. It tells us what we are not in this world for. This answer is rejecting the notion of “happy go lucky propose of life”. It suggests thinking, wondering, searching, failing, suffering and seeing others’ sufferings as well. All the above could result in lack of peace of mind. I like this answer as it puts us in the right direction. While it does not take us all the way, it at least rejects the notion of no caring egoistic purpose of life that was suggested earlier.
Taking the religious suggestion one step further, I came up with the final answer to our question. It is neither a simple easy one to grasp, nor a doable one. However, it provides us with the utmost sense of relief and the straightest direction of life. One who goes with this direction would never feel lost, sad, frustrated or angry at anything. It is that simple: “Our purpose of life is to make life easier for others.”
The above statement could be re-phrased in many different formats such as “.... to make a difference”, “.... to help others” and such. One whose every action is aimed at making the life journey easier for others would never feel lost. It is impossible for such person to ever laugh at others’ misery. You would never find this person getting frustrated for not having their wishes come true. As the most popular Zoroastrina Avasta song says:” Happiness belongs to those who search it for others.”
Shahrzad Shahriari
BSc.Psych, MSW, RSW
http://www.shahrzadtherapy.com/
The first answer to the above question which I repeatedly hear from people is :”My purpose of being in this world is to live a happy life”. On the surface, it appears as a soothing and satisfying answer. One who wishes to live a happy life would definitely be a person whom everyone would like to associate with. They are not sad, frustrated or angry. They do not complain about life and are more likely to be satisfied with the minimum. As convincing as this argument sound, I found the personality of people whose purpose of life is happiness quite the opposite of the above description of their character. These people are extremely egocentric. Other people’s needs and their happiness are of least priority on their list. One distinguishing characteristic of these people is that they would laugh at anything and everything. That includes other people’s misery. They do not wish to hear about other people’s problems since that could sway them away from their purpose of living a happy life.
The second answer that most religious leaders provide to the above question is: We are not in this world to have a peace of mind”. This is a very deep statement which by the way is not a direct answer to our question. It tells us what we are not in this world for. This answer is rejecting the notion of “happy go lucky propose of life”. It suggests thinking, wondering, searching, failing, suffering and seeing others’ sufferings as well. All the above could result in lack of peace of mind. I like this answer as it puts us in the right direction. While it does not take us all the way, it at least rejects the notion of no caring egoistic purpose of life that was suggested earlier.
Taking the religious suggestion one step further, I came up with the final answer to our question. It is neither a simple easy one to grasp, nor a doable one. However, it provides us with the utmost sense of relief and the straightest direction of life. One who goes with this direction would never feel lost, sad, frustrated or angry at anything. It is that simple: “Our purpose of life is to make life easier for others.”
The above statement could be re-phrased in many different formats such as “.... to make a difference”, “.... to help others” and such. One whose every action is aimed at making the life journey easier for others would never feel lost. It is impossible for such person to ever laugh at others’ misery. You would never find this person getting frustrated for not having their wishes come true. As the most popular Zoroastrina Avasta song says:” Happiness belongs to those who search it for others.”
Shahrzad Shahriari
BSc.Psych, MSW, RSW
http://www.shahrzadtherapy.com/
Friday, February 4, 2011
I cannot make a decision
Making decisions is a unique and yet one of most painful tasks of life. We all have faced situations in which we are required to face dilemmas and make life changing decisions. Some of these decisions are to be made quickly such as whether to change lanes on the highway when being cut off by another driver. Others have a longer deadline and allow us to think, such as deciding to marry a certain person or not.
Overall, making decisions is not a pleasant task, whether it concerns the self or other people. So how can we make the procedure easier and smother? Moreover, how can we make sure to make correct decisions in life, the ones that will leave us with no regrets?
Scientists have done much research in what part of the brain is responsible for making decisions and how the process unfolds. However, other than identifying certain brain regions, science has not been able to solve the mystery of decision making process for humans. Other disciplines have taken many attempts to come up with certain guidelines for effective decision making processes. For instance, leadership courses always dedicate certain chapters to “how great leaders make decisions” or “how risk takers come up with great decisions of all time”. Different religions have also taken many attempts at this issue. Most of religious guidelines however, discourage making decisions and scepticism and encourage surrendering to certain unbreakable unquestionable rules.
Medicine has come a long way in finding a solution to the dilemma of whether patients should be allowed to decide for themselves or not. However, their guidelines are far from being practical. These principles are also dynamic from society to society. For example, while a woman’s decision to abort her unborn baby is respected in western societies, it is very much the decision of the baby’s father at certain Middle Eastern countries. Same goes with deciding to end one’s life or the whole controversial phenomenon of capital punishment and its validation in certain court systems.
So goes the puzzle of whether we humans are capable of making the right decisions for ourselves and others or not.
In order to answer this question effectively and practically, I observed countless decision making processes in my clients, people around me and also myself. I focused on long term effects of made decisions and also the ones that require snap ones. One observation that intrigues me time after time, is that humans are not patient when it comes to making decisions. The process of sleeping on a dilemma and giving it time is especially a painful one for most of us. Why is that? Why can’t we wait for right answers to come to us rather than chasing them? Having order in life is one of human’s strong tendencies. Not knowing what to do next implies chaos. Or does it? When we are faced with a dilemma, it is the responsibility that we fear more than being in an unknown zone. Taking responsibility for one’s decisions is the ultimate definition of entering adulthood and maturity. That makes the decision making process even more painful. How in the world one could make the right decision and take responsibility for its consequences without being ever stressed by it?
The answer is simple: 1. Start by believing that there is no such thing as a wrong decision. It is all life experiences. You can never go wrong with making a decision. 2. Take pride in being in a decision making position. Imagine a person who is never allowed to make any decisions. Would you rather be that person? 3. Do not rush into making decisions. I know sitting on it is no less painful than sitting on needles! However, doing certain things could ease the pain. Go somewhere or do something that takes your mind off it 4. Do not go too far into the future. You can never know how your decision would turn out. 5. Finally, the most important part of making a decision is not make one! Let the right answer come to you when it is ready to reach you. Do not go and search for it. The more you chase it, the more it will play a hide and seek game with you. Ask for it, and it will be yours when you are ready to see it.
Shahrzad Shahriari
BSc.Psych., MSW., RSW.
www.shahrzadtherapy.com
shahrzad.therapy@gmail.com
647-405-7706
Overall, making decisions is not a pleasant task, whether it concerns the self or other people. So how can we make the procedure easier and smother? Moreover, how can we make sure to make correct decisions in life, the ones that will leave us with no regrets?
Scientists have done much research in what part of the brain is responsible for making decisions and how the process unfolds. However, other than identifying certain brain regions, science has not been able to solve the mystery of decision making process for humans. Other disciplines have taken many attempts to come up with certain guidelines for effective decision making processes. For instance, leadership courses always dedicate certain chapters to “how great leaders make decisions” or “how risk takers come up with great decisions of all time”. Different religions have also taken many attempts at this issue. Most of religious guidelines however, discourage making decisions and scepticism and encourage surrendering to certain unbreakable unquestionable rules.
Medicine has come a long way in finding a solution to the dilemma of whether patients should be allowed to decide for themselves or not. However, their guidelines are far from being practical. These principles are also dynamic from society to society. For example, while a woman’s decision to abort her unborn baby is respected in western societies, it is very much the decision of the baby’s father at certain Middle Eastern countries. Same goes with deciding to end one’s life or the whole controversial phenomenon of capital punishment and its validation in certain court systems.
So goes the puzzle of whether we humans are capable of making the right decisions for ourselves and others or not.
In order to answer this question effectively and practically, I observed countless decision making processes in my clients, people around me and also myself. I focused on long term effects of made decisions and also the ones that require snap ones. One observation that intrigues me time after time, is that humans are not patient when it comes to making decisions. The process of sleeping on a dilemma and giving it time is especially a painful one for most of us. Why is that? Why can’t we wait for right answers to come to us rather than chasing them? Having order in life is one of human’s strong tendencies. Not knowing what to do next implies chaos. Or does it? When we are faced with a dilemma, it is the responsibility that we fear more than being in an unknown zone. Taking responsibility for one’s decisions is the ultimate definition of entering adulthood and maturity. That makes the decision making process even more painful. How in the world one could make the right decision and take responsibility for its consequences without being ever stressed by it?
The answer is simple: 1. Start by believing that there is no such thing as a wrong decision. It is all life experiences. You can never go wrong with making a decision. 2. Take pride in being in a decision making position. Imagine a person who is never allowed to make any decisions. Would you rather be that person? 3. Do not rush into making decisions. I know sitting on it is no less painful than sitting on needles! However, doing certain things could ease the pain. Go somewhere or do something that takes your mind off it 4. Do not go too far into the future. You can never know how your decision would turn out. 5. Finally, the most important part of making a decision is not make one! Let the right answer come to you when it is ready to reach you. Do not go and search for it. The more you chase it, the more it will play a hide and seek game with you. Ask for it, and it will be yours when you are ready to see it.
Shahrzad Shahriari
BSc.Psych., MSW., RSW.
www.shahrzadtherapy.com
shahrzad.therapy@gmail.com
647-405-7706
Why Bother?
For anyone who has worked in mental health field, the term “Assessment Tool” should be a familiar one. What it is referred to, is a pre-set questionnaire that an interviewer could use to get to know the client, or in clinicians’ terms, “Assess” the client. Just like a physician who performs a number of examination tasks and questions, a mental health clinician uses an assessment tool to get to know the client better.
Having used these tools in many different setting, I don’t believe that any one of them get us even close to knowing our clients. These tools are nothing but a large number of questions. In them, they give you specific detailed instructions on how to ask the questions and what to ask next after receiving a particular answer from the client. After completing the many pages of questionnaire, the interviewer can sit back and say: “Now I know what is going on with this client”, or can they?
Let’s look at this practice from the client’s point of view. They come into the interview often distressed, anxious and in pain. They are looking to receive comfort and hope. Instead, they sit with a stranger who holds a thick pile of paper in their hand as keeps asking one question after another one. The client gets a good view of the top of the interviewer’s head as they continue writing their answers down. At the end, while both the client and the interviewer are tired out of their minds, the client gets to go home wondering what was the purpose of answering all these questions? It is not until the following session that the client actually gets to tell their story and the reasons for which they seeked help in the first place. That is if they decide to come back after the boring useless assessment session.
So what does the clinician do after the client leaves? They put the completed thick assessment tool in the client’s file. Does anyone ever read these questionnaires? I guarantee you not. The clinician will have to write a summary of the assessment, containing the history of presenting problem, family history etc., which has very little to do with the many questions been asked in the assessment tool. In other words, the interviewer will not be relying on the assessment tool to write their assessment report. Anyone going over the client’s file will briefly glance at the report and not the questionnaire. No one has time to go over so many questions and try to make sense out of them.
So what is the point of asking all these questions? I would say to do the job for those clinicians who don’t have the innate skills of being in the mental health practice. You either have what it takes to relate to clients or you don’t. Furthermore, these tools cover the clinician from ever being accused of not having done their job. When I conduct an assessment interview, I do not relay on any assessment tools. Nor do I use a thick endless questionnaire to get to know my clients. After having a casual conversation for half the time spent on completing any assessment tool, I get an idea of where to go from there.
The problem is rooted in our education system, where people who do not have the skills to be in the profession are being graduated and thrown into the practice. How do we compensate for their lack of people’s skills? Give them a bunch of questions to ask their clients and give it a fancy name such as “Assessment Tool” is not going to make them good clinicians. To me, these tools are nothing but waste of time which will only scare the clients away.
Shahrzad Shahriari
BSc.Psych., MSW., RSW.
www.shahrzadtherapy.com
647-405-7706
Having used these tools in many different setting, I don’t believe that any one of them get us even close to knowing our clients. These tools are nothing but a large number of questions. In them, they give you specific detailed instructions on how to ask the questions and what to ask next after receiving a particular answer from the client. After completing the many pages of questionnaire, the interviewer can sit back and say: “Now I know what is going on with this client”, or can they?
Let’s look at this practice from the client’s point of view. They come into the interview often distressed, anxious and in pain. They are looking to receive comfort and hope. Instead, they sit with a stranger who holds a thick pile of paper in their hand as keeps asking one question after another one. The client gets a good view of the top of the interviewer’s head as they continue writing their answers down. At the end, while both the client and the interviewer are tired out of their minds, the client gets to go home wondering what was the purpose of answering all these questions? It is not until the following session that the client actually gets to tell their story and the reasons for which they seeked help in the first place. That is if they decide to come back after the boring useless assessment session.
So what does the clinician do after the client leaves? They put the completed thick assessment tool in the client’s file. Does anyone ever read these questionnaires? I guarantee you not. The clinician will have to write a summary of the assessment, containing the history of presenting problem, family history etc., which has very little to do with the many questions been asked in the assessment tool. In other words, the interviewer will not be relying on the assessment tool to write their assessment report. Anyone going over the client’s file will briefly glance at the report and not the questionnaire. No one has time to go over so many questions and try to make sense out of them.
So what is the point of asking all these questions? I would say to do the job for those clinicians who don’t have the innate skills of being in the mental health practice. You either have what it takes to relate to clients or you don’t. Furthermore, these tools cover the clinician from ever being accused of not having done their job. When I conduct an assessment interview, I do not relay on any assessment tools. Nor do I use a thick endless questionnaire to get to know my clients. After having a casual conversation for half the time spent on completing any assessment tool, I get an idea of where to go from there.
The problem is rooted in our education system, where people who do not have the skills to be in the profession are being graduated and thrown into the practice. How do we compensate for their lack of people’s skills? Give them a bunch of questions to ask their clients and give it a fancy name such as “Assessment Tool” is not going to make them good clinicians. To me, these tools are nothing but waste of time which will only scare the clients away.
Shahrzad Shahriari
BSc.Psych., MSW., RSW.
www.shahrzadtherapy.com
647-405-7706
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
The Best of the Two Worlds
Dividing the entire cultural universe into two large categories of Collectivists and Individualists seems like a wild idea. As someone who has grown up, went to school and worked in both societies, I can understand why the distinction could not only be a useful idea, but also an important survival tool for people of dual cultural identities such as myself.
In a collectivist society, the community is placed ahead of the individual. It sounds simple, nice and convenient it sounds, the idea comes with a number of disadvantages. For instance, in a collectivist community, any marriage decision must be made by a number of family members including second relatives. That is where the ideas of arranged marriages and individuals sacrificing their loves for the sake of the whole community come from. While that appears as a disadvantage to the individual, the idea prevents a large number of societal problems that exist in an individualis community such as teenage pregnancy.
In an individualist society on the other hand, the needs of an individual always come ahead of the community and even the family. As selfish and self-centred the idea sounds, it has many advantages over considering the community’s benefits over self’s. for instance, it advocates for focusing on one’s true needs which in turn could put the individual on their path towards self actualization. In an individualist society, one learns to take responsibility for their own decisions and actions instead of blaming others for their mistakes. For the same reasons, the individual is more likely to face life problems alone with less community support than their counterparts in collectivist societies.
The interesting idea arises when migrations happen between the two cultures. Movement is more likely to happen from collectivism into individualism either in idealistic transformation or physical movement than the other way around. Either form of movement will result in very well defined concepts:
Acquiring individualist thoughts in a collectivist society will result in “Radical Feminism”, while practicing collectivism in individualist societies will result in “Patriarchy”. One should not cherry pick as they go along in either societies as that will result in “Stereotyping”. For example, arranging marriages in an individualist society will imply the idea of oppression against women in collectivist practices. The important idea is to “act as Romans when in Rome”. Practicing against societal and cultural norms will not only result in isolation but is likely to put the individual in conflict with the law.
Let’s not forget about the existence of sub-cultures in either societies. Each community could come up with their own ways of practices in a larges society. Each family, community, group and even city could have collectivist or individualist ways of functioning in a larges society which itself could be individualist or collectivist. Familiarizing oneself with both ways of relating to the larger community will insure the benefits of the best of the two worlds.
Shahrzad Shahriari
BSc.Psych, MSW., RSW.
647-405-7706
shahrzad.therapy@gmail.com
www.shahrzadtherapy.com
In a collectivist society, the community is placed ahead of the individual. It sounds simple, nice and convenient it sounds, the idea comes with a number of disadvantages. For instance, in a collectivist community, any marriage decision must be made by a number of family members including second relatives. That is where the ideas of arranged marriages and individuals sacrificing their loves for the sake of the whole community come from. While that appears as a disadvantage to the individual, the idea prevents a large number of societal problems that exist in an individualis community such as teenage pregnancy.
In an individualist society on the other hand, the needs of an individual always come ahead of the community and even the family. As selfish and self-centred the idea sounds, it has many advantages over considering the community’s benefits over self’s. for instance, it advocates for focusing on one’s true needs which in turn could put the individual on their path towards self actualization. In an individualist society, one learns to take responsibility for their own decisions and actions instead of blaming others for their mistakes. For the same reasons, the individual is more likely to face life problems alone with less community support than their counterparts in collectivist societies.
The interesting idea arises when migrations happen between the two cultures. Movement is more likely to happen from collectivism into individualism either in idealistic transformation or physical movement than the other way around. Either form of movement will result in very well defined concepts:
Acquiring individualist thoughts in a collectivist society will result in “Radical Feminism”, while practicing collectivism in individualist societies will result in “Patriarchy”. One should not cherry pick as they go along in either societies as that will result in “Stereotyping”. For example, arranging marriages in an individualist society will imply the idea of oppression against women in collectivist practices. The important idea is to “act as Romans when in Rome”. Practicing against societal and cultural norms will not only result in isolation but is likely to put the individual in conflict with the law.
Let’s not forget about the existence of sub-cultures in either societies. Each community could come up with their own ways of practices in a larges society. Each family, community, group and even city could have collectivist or individualist ways of functioning in a larges society which itself could be individualist or collectivist. Familiarizing oneself with both ways of relating to the larger community will insure the benefits of the best of the two worlds.
Shahrzad Shahriari
BSc.Psych, MSW., RSW.
647-405-7706
shahrzad.therapy@gmail.com
www.shahrzadtherapy.com
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
What is Counter Transference?
In my profession, I work very closely with people. I listen to their pains. Clients come to me to feel better, to seek relief, to leave happier. Psychotherapy is a very delicate work. It makes the therapist get very close to people’s feelings, sometimes too close as they could touch their clients’ feelings with their fingertips. Being in such position, it is very important for therapists to be aware of their own feelings. Monitoring their responses to what they experience in a therapy session is one of the most important aspects of being a therapist. Counter Transference therefore, is when a therapist has a personal reaction to what they hear from a client. Detecting this reaction, identifying it and defining it, is part of the therapist’s work.
Now, what to do with this reaction is a matter of debate among scholars. Whether it needs to be shared with the client and be discussed or be kept to the therapist depends on how the phenomenon is being defined. Some schools of thoughts believe that Counter Transference is a therapist’s issue and they need to resolve it or analyze it with their own supervisor/therapists. According to this school, it should never be shared with the client. Others believe that Counter Transference belongs to therapy. While already rooted in the therapist’s past experiences, it has been elicited by the client. According to this school, the client has every right to know how their therapist is reacting to what they say. And as with any other controversial issue, others take a middle stand position. They believe that it all depends on the context. According to this school, the therapist has to know the client well enough to decide whether sharing a Counter Transference feeling might be helpful or harmful to the client. It is all about the client. That’s what the therapist is getting paid to do: To think of the client first.
Going back to my school days, I trained with a physician psychotherapist. According to his medical model, under no conditions you would ever share a Counter Transference reaction with your client. As part of my training, I also worked with a social worker psychotherapist who would share small bits of his own feelings with the clients from time to time. Having observed both of my supervisors for many hours, I could never come into a solid conclusion on what is the right approach to take when dealing with Counter Transference.
Having started working with clients as a professional, what I learned through my personal experiences is that there are no doubts that Counter Transference is a very powerful phenomenon. It could stir up a lot of feelings in the therapist. Overall, it is a positive outcome of the therapy for the therapist as it could teach them a lot about themselves. As it goes for the client, it could show them that their therapist is also a human being who comes with all different normal feelings just like them. Now, to what extend that should be shared with the client, I believe depends on the clients’ level of intelligence and understanding of the therapy. Working with a lot of young abused women, I find them in need of hearing from an older wise, yet sensitive and sympathetic female. I find telling these women something like: “I wish I had a little sister like you” would make them more receptive to my suggestions on how to end an abusive relationship. It has worked for me every single time. In a different context, telling an intelligent successful client who has a troubled relationship with his younger sister something like: “I envy your sister for having a brother like you” elicits a reaction like “ Maybe one day my sister sees me like that too”. To me, sharing my Counter Transference reaction with the client has shown him that despite not being appreciated, he is a good brother.
Counter Transference is powerful and useful and could help therapy process more useful for the client. It is a natural normal human reaction which is one of the most beautiful by-products of the client/therapist relationship.
Shahrzad Shahriari
BSc.Psych, MSW., RSW.
647-405-7706
shahrzad.therapy@gmail.com
www.shahrzadtherapy.com
Now, what to do with this reaction is a matter of debate among scholars. Whether it needs to be shared with the client and be discussed or be kept to the therapist depends on how the phenomenon is being defined. Some schools of thoughts believe that Counter Transference is a therapist’s issue and they need to resolve it or analyze it with their own supervisor/therapists. According to this school, it should never be shared with the client. Others believe that Counter Transference belongs to therapy. While already rooted in the therapist’s past experiences, it has been elicited by the client. According to this school, the client has every right to know how their therapist is reacting to what they say. And as with any other controversial issue, others take a middle stand position. They believe that it all depends on the context. According to this school, the therapist has to know the client well enough to decide whether sharing a Counter Transference feeling might be helpful or harmful to the client. It is all about the client. That’s what the therapist is getting paid to do: To think of the client first.
Going back to my school days, I trained with a physician psychotherapist. According to his medical model, under no conditions you would ever share a Counter Transference reaction with your client. As part of my training, I also worked with a social worker psychotherapist who would share small bits of his own feelings with the clients from time to time. Having observed both of my supervisors for many hours, I could never come into a solid conclusion on what is the right approach to take when dealing with Counter Transference.
Having started working with clients as a professional, what I learned through my personal experiences is that there are no doubts that Counter Transference is a very powerful phenomenon. It could stir up a lot of feelings in the therapist. Overall, it is a positive outcome of the therapy for the therapist as it could teach them a lot about themselves. As it goes for the client, it could show them that their therapist is also a human being who comes with all different normal feelings just like them. Now, to what extend that should be shared with the client, I believe depends on the clients’ level of intelligence and understanding of the therapy. Working with a lot of young abused women, I find them in need of hearing from an older wise, yet sensitive and sympathetic female. I find telling these women something like: “I wish I had a little sister like you” would make them more receptive to my suggestions on how to end an abusive relationship. It has worked for me every single time. In a different context, telling an intelligent successful client who has a troubled relationship with his younger sister something like: “I envy your sister for having a brother like you” elicits a reaction like “ Maybe one day my sister sees me like that too”. To me, sharing my Counter Transference reaction with the client has shown him that despite not being appreciated, he is a good brother.
Counter Transference is powerful and useful and could help therapy process more useful for the client. It is a natural normal human reaction which is one of the most beautiful by-products of the client/therapist relationship.
Shahrzad Shahriari
BSc.Psych, MSW., RSW.
647-405-7706
shahrzad.therapy@gmail.com
www.shahrzadtherapy.com
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